During the season of Lent, Stephanie and Phillip are answering questions from the congregation about being an Episcopalian, discipleship, church traditions and history, and spiritual practices. If you have a question, you can leave it in the wooden question box, which can be found next to the offering plates by the inner Narthex doors.
We received the below question, which is answered today by Rev. Phillip.
“Anger, disappointment and frustration keep me from getting closer to God this Lent. I struggle to reconcile these feelings towards people who have gravely hurt those I love with being able to forgive. This tension causes me to lose sight of the fact God loves them as much as all of us. I get further frustrated when those folks who cause harm refuse to own their actions or make real efforts to reconcile with those they continue to hurt. I don’t know what I’m asking you to do with this; it is a snapshot of my wilderness.”
This is a wonderful question that is filled with great insight! Forgiving our enemies and/or the enemies of those we love can be one of the hardest challenges of being a Christian and it is at the heart of this question. Of course, in our personal relationships we may ask for or offer forgiveness directly to another person to bring about reconciliation. However, when we think of forgiving those who harm us or others socially, financially, or politically, the reality is that those we forgive often have no idea whether or not we have forgiven them. Therefore, we have to understand that forgiveness is about us. When we are trapped by resentment and anger we become focused on the behavior of others. When we do this we end up spending our time and energy on those who have upset us. This takes away from our time and energy being given to those we love and in our walk with God. Forgiveness of others strengthens our relationship with God by freeing us from emotional burdens of anger, disappointment, and frustration. It frees us to refocus our energy into loving ourselves, our neighbors, God, and even our enemies. Ultimately, forgiveness frees us from judging others and offers reflection of where we may need to establish healthy boundaries and practice loving ourselves.
In my clinical work, I often hear clients share their desire to forgive and how that desire is complicated by shame. Most of us are familiar with the verse from the Gospel of Matthew that reads, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”¹ Even for clients who did not grow up in the church or who profess any religious belief, there is a general rule that judging others is wrong. So, when we are hurt and experience anger or frustration, we often feel shame about our emotional reaction because it can feel like judgment.
I define judgment as having an opinion with condemnation. I may see someone as bad, wrong, or evil. And, I may want to punish those who have hurt me or those I love. But, God doesn’t see it this way. God loves us all, even those who persecute us. That’s why we leave judgment to God. One of the ways I practice this is by reminding myself that the pain I see others causing is their work to figure out with God, not mine. I have enough of my own stuff to work out. And, I’m grateful for a God that is loving of us all as we work out our issues.
But that doesn’t mean that we don’t pay attention to how our bodies and our emotions react to our own pain or the pain of others. So what do we do with our experiences of those who hurt us or others? How do we forgive without judgment? To do that, we practice self care. We practice what Jesus has commanded, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”² Loving ourselves looks like understanding our emotions and holding healthy boundaries. Our emotions are not good or bad. They are gifts that God has given us and they reflect what is happening in our lives. Emotions that we are comfortable with or that “feel good,” such as happiness or joy reflect when our needs have been met. Other emotions, such as anger, disappointment, and frustration generally reflect when a need hasn’t been met. In the framework of this question, that is most often tied to not feeling a sense of physical or emotional safety. So, I can name my anger, disappointment, and frustration with someone’s behavior without judging them. It is a healthy and appropriate act of self care to name what I am experiencing. Then, I can decide what loving myself looks like.
Perhaps, it looks like setting healthy boundaries around myself or those I love. Maybe it looks like taking social, financial, or political action and using my voice to speak for those who are being harmed. It may even look like a relaxing spa day! I encourage you to think of forgiveness as a letting go and not an approval of someone’s actions. Letting go of those feelings of anger, disappointment, and frustration, as well as letting go of unhealthy relationships can be healing. It also frees us to do the radical work of loving ourselves and others. It isn’t always easy. But, with God’s help, it is possible.
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- Matthew 7:1, NIV
- Matthew 22:37–39, KJV