All couples experience some degree of conflict and issues of anger in their relationship. Sometimes the conflict can be resolved by listening and talking to each other, but sometimes there is an issue that seems to stand out with significant anger and pain. The process of working through the anger and pain to forgiveness can help to heal the relationship.
Anger is an automatic response to sensed threat, hurt, embarrassment, etc. If we let it fester it will decrease our intimacy and closeness. Our brains are wired so that if we do not deliberately, intentionally stop the flow, the anger will get triggered repeatedly. “Anger doesn’t get buried dead, but alive.“ The anger may come out as criticism, belittling, ignoring, etc.
Examples of these issues:
- Forgetting an important occasion.
- Buying a costly item, such as a car, boat, or motorcycle, without talking about it.
- Making a significant life decision, such as a job, that impacts both of you without discussing.
- Saying or doing something hurtful.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is intentionally letting go of the issue. It is a process that may not happen immediately and the emotions from the issue may rise again. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is worth the effort.
The One Asking for Forgiveness: Take the time to listen to the other’s pain without interrupting. This is where our listening and talking skills come in. The one asking for forgiveness needs to admit that what they have done is wrong or the way it was done was wrong. Assure your partner that you do not want this issue to happen again. Next, say “I am sorry.” Apologize. Ask, “What can I do to make it right.” Then forgive yourself.
The One Who is Accepting Forgiveness: You must also listen, but voice your feelings, pain, and anger. Be sure they understand what you are feeling and experiencing. Let your partner know what you want in the future. Let go of your desire to punish or “get even.” Tell them what they can do to make it right. Communicate your acceptance of their apology and their request for forgiveness.
Depending on the issue, the depth of feeling, and how long it has been going on, the forgiveness process might require the help of a trained professional.
Suggestion: Have a discussion with your partner about forgiveness. Open the possibility that there may be something that needs forgiveness that you are not aware of. Listen and share with each other.
Carl and Nancy Terry
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