Listening is an important communication skill that can create and preserve intimacy. When you really listen, you can understand your partner better. You stay in tune, enjoy the relationship more, without having to attempt to mind read what your partner is thinking or feeling. Listening is a means of resolving a personal dilemma, a couple issue, a way of sharing some important thoughts and feelings. It is a way of connecting; by really listening to each other we gain insight and we learn more about the other person. The one who is speaking gains clarity and feels really cherished through the undivided attention.
According to Webster “to listen” is to hear, to give ear, to hear something with thoughtful attention and consideration. Being attentive is paying maximum mind and body attention, avoiding distractions. “If God had rather us talk than listen, He would have given us two mouths rather than two ears.”
It is not enough to shut your mouth and open your ears. Your brain must also be actively engaged in Listening. Communication is a two-way collaborative process, even when one person is basically doing all the talking. You can’t be thinking of what you are going to say or how you are going to respond. To Actively Listen, you must paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback. Some of the phrases that are helpful:
What I hear you saying…
In other words, …
Let me get this straight…
So, you feel that…
Do you mean…
Would you say…
I remember a time when Carl and I were young parents. Our son was not easy to put to bed and to go to sleep. I came to Carl one night feeling very frustrated and he started to offer some suggestions, to “fix it for me”. (Usually in a partner relationship there is one who readily can see solutions and another who needs to think about it, talk about it until the solution becomes apparent.) I said to him, “Just listen to me and I will come up with a solution.” He immediately stopped and listened to me and my concerns. I was able to come up with some possible strategies through his listening, clarifying and giving me feedback. By his listening to me, I felt really loved and cared for.
Obviously, there are other times when we will have to take turns listening to each other, putting aside our own feelings and thoughts to be fully present to each other.
Practice your listening skills by taking some time to listen to each other share “I feel really listened to when you ……”
Carl and Nancy Terry
Marriage Mentors
919-559-2827
Nancyterry20@gmail.com