I’ll confess to you now: I don’t really like looking back. One of my favorite authors, Emily P. Freeman, has a practice of looking back and reflecting on what she learned each season, and during Covid-times, she has started a weekly reflection on Instagram using her camera roll to look back at her week and find what was different, what she learned, where she found joy.
This is a wonderful practice, and yet I struggle with it. Something about the idea of looking backwards to things that cannot be changed, mistakes made that can’t be taken back, words that can’t be unspoken. That is hard for me. I much prefer the quick confession each Sunday: “by what we have done and by what we have left undone,” and leave it at that. Let’s move on to what is ahead.
I once heard Ann Richards, former governor of Texas in the mid-90s, bold and outspoken, say that she wanted to live her life with no regrets. That spoke to my heart at the time, but as I get older, I realize it is impossible. There will always be regrets. There will always be those things “done and left undone.”
It is impossible to get away from John the Baptist during Advent. This week, the second Sunday of Advent, we hear:
John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. (Mark 1:4)
And next week, the third Sunday of Advent:
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. (John 1:6)
John the Baptist shows up in all four of the Gospels. He preaches a baptism of repentance and makes it clear that he is not the Messiah. He is simply pointing the way toward Jesus. He is kind of a scary dude. He makes repentance sound awful. Or maybe that is my own brain that simply refuses to believe that repentance might bring grace, not punishment.
To repent is to turn. We see this reflected in the language of the baptismal covenant. We turn away from sin and death as we turn toward new life in Christ. I wonder, in order to accept the grace offered by God, that our reflection during repentance might include the good things, not just what we regret?
Perhaps repentance starts with an acceptance of both. It is not a quick phrase spoken during confession, hoping then that I can forget, God can forget, and those I might have hurt with my actions might forget the things done and left undone. Repentance looks at it all; it reflects back on both the good, the bad, and the ugly, and offers it ALL up to God. And God takes it all, just as Jesus took ALL our sins with him to the cross.
This is NOT to say that we should replace the word repentance with “reflection.” Repentance does get our attention, and we do need to pay attention to turning our hearts toward God and away from the habits, thoughts, and behaviors that are destructive to our selves, souls, and bodies. You most likely know what those things are for you. I certainly do.
What I am suggesting is that we begin repentance with acceptance. Acceptance of the good and the bad. I am suggesting that acceptance will help us to look for grace, rather than expect punishment and retribution. And if we are busy looking for grace, it is much easier for us to offer grace to others.
This is a very long post to say, my Advent practice this year is going to be about taking Emily P. Freeman’s advice, and reflecting more. Making peace with my resistance to look back. Accepting both the good and the bad. Looking for grace within it all. It means sitting down, quieting my mind, and answering some reflection prompts from Emily or others that I might find. It might mean some quiet at the end of the day to reflect on my day. (A practice called Daily Examen.) It might mean a series of pictures at the end of the week on Instagram. Let me know if you’d like to join me, and we can share ideas about how to do this.