Communication in a relationship begins with the desire to be known more completely by your partner. We want to learn how to communicate more effectively and lovingly. We have explored listening as a part of our communication in the last blog. Now let us look at speaking or talking skills.
Speaking involves self-awareness. To communicate, it is helpful to be aware of our thoughts, our feelings, what we want, and what we want to do. Sometimes we know these things before we share and sometimes it takes sharing and someone listening to us to get clarity.
Skills for talking involve “Speaking for Self” and “Using ‘I’ Messages”.
Speaking for Self identifies you as the source of the message. Doing this reduces resistance to your messages. Our partners cannot read our minds, so it is important to communicate clearly and directly what you think, feel, or want.
Using “I” messages is another talking skill.
“I” messages begin with “I feel, think, believe, (etc.) when (describe the event as you are experience it) because (how it affects you).
Examples:
Rather than “You are always busy.” or “We never do anything.” say “I am feeling lonely. Could we plan some time to do something together? Because I miss being with you.” By avoiding the “You” messages, communication is kept open. “You” messages tend to put the other person on the defensive. “I” messages share what is happening inside of the speaker without presuming to know what the intentions or feelings of the other person are.
Rather than “We never do anything fun” say “I want to do something fun this evening, because I need to take a break from things we need to do.” Avoid the always and never. Describe the incident in the here and now.
If you have a concern and want to talk about it, begin with an “I” message.
Rather than “You drive entirely too fast. You are a terrible driver.” say “I get frightened when you drive so fast, because I am afraid we will have an accident.”
You need to be careful that these “I” messages do not turn into “you” messages. Watch your tone of voice. Also develop a list of feeling words that you can use in your statements. Say what you want with few words. You will be heard better.
Speak up early. Do not let the feeling or incident get buried and then come out in an angry way.
Of course, you have just opened a dialogue, a back-and-forth of speaking and listening. How do you reach resolution of your concerns? Look for guidance in our next blog.
Practice your talking skills by thinking of a time recently when your conversation might have gone better if you had used these talking skills. Share that time with your partner.
Carl and Nancy Terry
Marriage Mentors